Hey ladies (and gents that have sneaked a peek–it’s ok :-D),
I have yet another question roaming around in my head courtesy of a conversation some good friends and I had regarding relationship conduct.
As women of God and believers in His Word, Proverbs 18:22 says: “whosoever finds a wife finds a good thing, and obtains favour of the LORD”. In the process of him finding and “courting” us, how much pursuing do we let him do? And as a follow-up question, how “easy” do we make the pursuit for him?
For example, we were discussing courtship, and one of my friends said she would not be driving to or meeting any man halfway to make it easier for him to see her—he needed to make that sacrifice. She cited a couple who during their courtship, the young man drove from PA to OH, (I believe) every weekend without fail (and it was quite the distance). The other friend agreed, but was thinking once a couple is in the relationship, it was ok to take turns on who was driving to meet whom.
I understand the latter view about taking turns later, but I think it’s important to have the foundation laid that dude needs to do the pursuing–he needs to work to get you! Before you pooh-pooh my view, think about a relationship you were in (or know of someone) where you did a lot of the work..you calling him INITIALLY and ALL the time, driving him around INITIALLY and ALL the time, paying for dates INITIALLY and ALL the time, (ok..you get it) paying your half of the bill, meeting him on his terms, doing what he wanted….it was probably good at first, but you got tired of that likely and so did he. Now, I’m not saying to be spoiled and have everything your way, but if you make things too easy for a guy too early, he gets used to that treatment and subsequently will conform accordingly. So when he doesn’t want to pick you up, take you out, or pay for a meal–you wonder why? You spoiled him. Hey, why should he spend his money at “The Chicken Coop” when you can buy the chicken, season it, prepare all the fixins and watch TV on your couch? (I speak from experience, ladies). Trust me, after awhile, when date night comes up and you are expecting special, you’ll be as hot as a firecracker on July 4th when he calls talking about, “Boo, so tonight, why don’t you make that real good spaghetti you cook?–Matlock is on at 8pm. Be right over!” 🙂
Ladies, while preparing a meal, being cost-conscious, or doing something special for someone you like is not a crime, again the timing is crucial. Think about the way God made men– they have a special drive and determination–they play football, practice to be the best at something raid corporations, participate in extreme sports, etc., because they like a challenge. Anything that comes too easy to a man is just a trinket to be tossed aside when it’s no longer “shiny and new”. We are NOT trinkets! Proverbs 31:10 says, “who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies.” That’s why we have to wait to be found AND not be so anxious to please him that we “trinket-ise” ourselves. Any item that’s far above rubies is going to cost (I don’t mean just monetarily) and require some work!
It’s been said the sweetest fruit is at the top of the tree. Anybody can pick fruit of the low-lying branches! Let him work–climb the tree to get that fruit! Yes, you know how to open your car door and put on your own jacket– but it’s okay for him to do it! If he is too spoiled and lazy to work to get you, he won’t work to keep you!
As we prepare for God to bless us, let us pray for wisdom to govern ourselves accordingly when it comes to that special someone so we are not cold and aloof, but yet not too yielding in our efforts. Better yet, let’s rely on God (and wise council) to give us instructions on how to be the virtuous woman He put in all of us!
Love you!
~Blen
BCU 
Hey Blen!!! What an interesting subjected this is.. I will be posting my response soon but I hope you (and everyone else) don’t mind me posting a response I received from a male friend of mine. I asked him what his opinion was and here goes.. ( a little long but worth reading)
Misha,
A bit lengthy, but worth reading.
I am so glad you sent this to me!!!! Coming from the man’s point of view – I have A LOT to offer to this subject. Now, some of you may come at me out of your bag, out of your trunk, or out of your back pocket. Either way, it’s cool with me. But please HEAR what I am saying as a man and as the father of 3 teenage girls.
STOP settling for Billy Bad Butt and Larry the Loser.
Too many young ladies settle for what is standing in front of them, when they need to wait a little longer. I courted my wife – her mother knew every place I was taking her, when we would be back and what I was driving. Her mother didn’t have to wonder if her daughter was safe with me becaused I made it easy for her, so she didn’t have to ask questions. You see, that was the way I was raised. I was taught that you treat the woman in your life with the same level of respect that you have for your mother without letting her treat you like your mother would.
I was taught that anything worth having, was worth working for. Yes, I pursued my wife. Yes, I paid for the meals, made the plans and paid for them, I cooked for her and I treated her mother like gold. I was also honest with her and told her what I was not going to do. That I was not going to start something that I know I had no intentions of doing for the rest of my life, and likewise – she did the same.
My daughters have been taught that they should not settle for a man less than who their father is,he should have similar core values, ethics and faith in God showing some fruit , someone who is going to treat them as good if not better than I do. You see, I validate them as often as possible. I take them out on a date with dad – one at a time. I want them to know a chair should be pulled out for them, that you can dress up and go to a nice establishment and not just fast food and family restaurants. That the date ends there and not in the back seat of his car. My son gets the same treatment at 8 years old so he knows what to do later in his life.
When young men roll up on my house, they are forewarned how they BETTER approach/call my house(no loud music, no horns, get out of the car and come to the door). My girls are not allowed to walk out the door without me meeting the guy and me asking some questions – I don’t know him. They know they can’t run to the blowing of a horn because whores and prostitutes do that and I don’t have either for children. Their male friends better have phone manners when they call or I will immediately hang up on them. My kids know that I own the cell phone lines and I will have the texts pulled if I am suspect of any guy. Google is my best friend when it comes to my daughters, YES, I background check every guy my girls date. For $4.95 you can know anything about a person, and it has saved my daughters a lot of heartache because we discovered that Billy Bad Butt was arrested 3 times in the last month, but “appeared” to be a good guy.
To make a long story short – I didn’t have any of what I give my children. This world is going to become a better place one child at a time. IF our parents can get off of their butts long enough, turn off the tv long enough and demonstrate that love doesn’t mean beat and disrespect her, stay out of the stores long enough, get involved in the kids lives and show genuine concern – then and only then will our boys know how to treat girls, stop buying clothes that leave nothing to the imagination – what’s under your clothes is for your husband. Who wants to pursue a girl like that unless she is giving her body away.
At the same time ladies, have the right attitude. Have an attitude of, “I deserve to be treated like a lady” instead of “he better do this”. Stop giving him the milk when he can’t afford the gas to go and get it. Stop setting yourself up for disappointment when he expects you to take care of him and you grow tired of it. Stop letting him manipulate and deceive you. Know that you are worth the time and effort. It might take a bit longer for you to be found – but it will be well worth the wait.
My wife gets treated like royalty at all times. I run her a hot bath with candles. I show up at her job unannounced for lunch. I buy her flowers just because. I get her gifts for no reason. I make sure she doesn’t have to clean the house by herself and I cook her a nice hot meal. I make sure her family knows what I will not let them do and say to her. Why – the pursuit isn’t over just because I got married. I have to be willing to maintain what I started. Again, she knows what I am not going to do if I can’t continue it. Because I love her and treat her like she should be, I have a great marriage. No, it wasn’t always that way – it takes work, communication, and the help of our Lord and knowing Him in the power of His might.
A “MAN” that finds a wife, finds a good thing. Like I told one of our friends – put yourself in the way to be found without looking desperate. Ladies, you are a valuable gift from God and I appreciate all that you are for us men. You are more than your lips, hips and hair – you are our lovers, our helpmates, the mother of our children, our partner in the home – and you NEED to be treated as such. Life is real and too many of our young ladies think that movies are real. This is not The Game – it’s reality.
When you see him as the Prince, Priest, Prophet, Provider, and Protector of your home – YOU HAVE BEEN FOUND!!!
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WHEW!!!!!! The page is SMOKIN”!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ladies, this is THE TRUTH!!!!!!!!!!! Sir, you have given us insight, wisdom , instruction and confirmation on the important and often overlooked /undertaught subject! God bless you for sharing and encouraging us to wait for the blessings from God and stop trying to “help” Him do His job–He’s got this, ya’ll! Thanks again! Thanks, Mish!! and Sir, please come back and comment again!
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all Im going to say is Thank You Jesus!
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Heya Wanda! My computer just hiccuped… I don’t know where my original reply to you went, so if you see this twice, ignore one! LOL!
Anywhoo, thanks for posting and I hear you…I struggled for words on Brother’s post, but after I pulled my toes from the hammer (yep, he got me) it was WELL worth it. God bless him! I have my directive. (Think JJ from Good Times when James gave him and order and the look) “Delighting myself in the Lord”. 😀
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Blessings, Blen, I love this blog (first and foremost). It is indeed informative. I have truly been inspired to “step back” and look at my own relationship. Pray for me as I continue to let God direct my path with my engagement. Simply because it’s only too late after I say those vows and “I do”! Be blessed!
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Hi J!
((hug)) God bless you for stopping by! And glory to Him for using the post to bless you and all us girls! I am encouraged that you are taking a second look at your relationship…that is SO wise! I was in a questionable one a few years back that had distaster written all over it, but I didn’t get the corrective lenses right away. Thank GOD HE finally shook me and I accepted the “no”. It wasn’t easy and the enemy taunts me about it sometimes, but I know God said “no” and has the right person…and I just have to wait and occupy! I will be praying that His will be done in your situation–at this stage in the game, we want to be sure “on this side of the broom!” Please keep us updated, ok? Be blessed and come back again soon!
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Definitely worth reading…thanks Misha and thanks Blen for gettin’ the topic started!! The funny thing is so many of our young men do not have role models like this in their lives, so they have no clue what it takes to be truly respectful of women. Misha, your friend and his wife should really think about using the knowledge and experience that they have to educate young men and young women. So many have NO POSITIVE, REALISTIC EXAMPLES of what relationships/marriage are really about, and the example of their family may be just what someone in their community or abroad may need to see to gain that understanding. They should really think about getting something started…they’ve been through it from start to “till death do us part” and can give some REAL insight into what it really means.
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Hey Ron!
Thanks a million for posting…I know you are super busy with things. And I agree with what you said about the lack of good examples in our society. I wonder iff any of the young uns want to hear about solid relationships? Now that I’m typing, my guess is yes…it’s a matter of getting the word out somehow. They listen to all other kinds of monkeyshine—why not how to properly treat and be treated? Why can’t that be on BET rather than the reality shows of broken homes, infidelity, wasteful spending, bad language, and sterotypical shuckin and jiving? Oooh…don’t get me started! LOL! But for real, we need to replace the foderol with positivity and I’ll bet we will see women raising the bar and men striving to reach it! You got me thinking now….
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Hey Ladies (and gents) I pray all is well with everyone. I too have been enjoying the blog (thank you Blenda).. It surely has been a blessing to my soul! Now to comment on the lastest and greatest..
Reading this particular blog and comments makes me think back to a conversation me, my daughter and my grandparents had last year before my grandfather had the stroke. They both explained to US the importance of waiting for the mate GOD had for us, what attributes to look out for and what NOT to settle for. My grandfather explained to us the significance of the flowers he brought my grandmother every week, she explained to us the importance of something so little as clipping his toenails.. He also explained to us the reason why he chose her and why it was so easy for him to make that decision. Of course there is more, but sadly not every woman out there is able to receive wisdom like this. Unfortunately, they fall into the cracks and settle for less then they deserve. (Courting, Communication, Committment)
I believe that just like any man, women like challenges as well. I will admit I am old-fashioned when it comes to dating. I prefer the man take lead, (but you better be on point), open doors, chairs, etc. When you say you are going to do something, then do it. If you cannot, let it be known. And you will get the same in respect. I will do my best to give you the same respect as it is given. My attitude is”I deserve the best and will settle for nothing less” and if its not given, then I’m out!
Ms. Tamisha D. Davenport doesn’t settle and has proven that fact time and time again.
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Hey Mish!
You are so welcome…to God be the glory!! And I KNOW your granddad has such wisdom on this subject. What a blessing to be able to partake and apply it!
I’m feeling the “old-fashioned”–men should take the lead and I shouldn’t HAVE tell them HOW to do so. I dated a guy who was nice enough, but was a little jelly-backed when it came to leading, except when he “felt” like it. What kind of codswallop is that?! 😀 Is that God’s best or just some mess? And the thing is, women aren’t that complicated. If you treat us right, you will have us eating out of your hand (not literally, but you get me). Dude is opening doors, helping me with my coat, Spirit-filled, working, faithful (to God and me), paying for meals and overall treating me like royalty….you think I’m gonna give attitude/complain? Not likely! I don’t cook much now, but I betcha I’d bust out my pots to hook him up “erey” now and again! LOL! The formula is simple gents: Holy Ghost +Treat us right=Woman of your dreams/forever. Any thoughts, ya’ll?
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Hey Blenda,
Looks like half of my post was cut off and I can’t retrieve it:(( I will try and remember and re-post this weekend.. love ya!
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Aww man! I HATE when that happens! What you posted was on point, girl. Thanks for commenting…you always have the best-est comments. Have a wonderful weekend! Love ya!
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